Life is way too short to fritter away on work that you hate.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have to do things we might hate from time to time. I have three dogs. As much as I love them, they come complete with dog hair and smelly other chores that are gross.

Ugh. Not my idea of a good time.

Same with my garden. I love my flowers and veggies, but I hate the weeds. I would love for there to be a gardening Fairy to come and pull weeds in the hot, hot sun so I can stay inside in the air conditioning.

I won’t even get into the parts of having kids that can be a challenge.

All great things come with chores. Kids and pets have stinky parts. That’s the price we pay for sloppy kisses and unconditional love. And one bite of a summer tomato, and I forgive every weed and my aching back.

But what about our businesses? 

We talk a lot in creative entrepreneur circles about designing the business and life that we dream of. Those dreams don’t usually include the day-to-day boring tasks that make us weary and drain our energies and yet, we still do them.

Some of them, like paper work and accounting, still have to be handled, though I highly recommend finding someone else to take over both of those tasks if at all possible.

The rest of stuff  that takes up your time and energy, how important is it really?

In coaching creative entrepreneurs, I have repeatedly seen the same three themes come up time and time again.

• Clients who are no fun and suck the life out of you.
• Projects that are too complex for your skill set that frustrate, exhaust and deplete you.
• Mundane tasks that take too long and keep you away from your creative gift.

All three of these categories are keeping you from the success that you could be having right now! I am talking about you, the start-up business who hasn’t gotten the resources yet to hire someone to do all of your unpleasant tasks. You don’t have to wait. You can begin right now to shift away those un-fun catagories and move toward having a business you can enjoy right away.

Let’s take them one at a time, shall we?

Clients who are no fun and suck the life out of you: Bar none, this is the hardest lesson for new business owners to learn and sometimes it has to be re-learned a few extra times before it sinks in. You do NOT have to work with stingy, selfish, rude, mean, uninteresting, unmotivated and undeserving clients. EVER.  Here is the problem that you are probably running into:

You don’t realize you are working with the undesirables until they have snuck up on you half-way through the project. That might seem like a perfect example of  “Why do these things always happen to Me???”  But the answer is that you have not taken the time to create ideal clients and then qualify your potential clients to be sure they fit.

How to work with only clients you enjoy.

• Figure out which clients you enjoy working with. Figure out WHAT you love about working with them. Who is your ideal client, the one who you are excited to go to work to work with? Make a written list.
•  Identify the type of people that you DON’T love working with.  What is it about them that makes work a drudge? Make a list. Knowing what drains your energy and enthusiasm is a very important piece of clarity to have.
• Create a Qualifier System. This can be a series of questions, a list of policies on how you work, A phone or email interview, or more likely all of the above. The key is to identify the key good and bad issues with potential clients before you take them on. And Here is a hint: If the red flags start flying, step back! You do not need to take on that client. Repeat after me:  Bad Clients cost too much money and suck the fun out of life!

Projects that are too complex for your skill set that frustrate, exhaust and deplete you.

• Re-evaluate. Just because it seemed like a great idea at the time, doesn’t mean that right now is the right time to be taking on that project. Creative Entrepreneurs love to START new projects a heck of a lot more than they like SUSTAINING them. Ask yourself: Is this something that is sustainable, will I get bored quickly maintaining this? Ask: Would this project be better served by finishing some of this other stuff piling up? Consider rescheduling this when you can focus on the training to do it right..
• Hire. Take a good look at the project. If it is above your skill-set, can you find someone to educate you on the most efficient process? Or do you need to hire someone for one part of the process that will make the project more joyful? Do you need a designer to help you get the look you envision? You may not need – or be able to afford- to hire someone for the entire project, but can you take the pieces that are above your current skill set and get some help?

Mundane tasks that take too long and keep you away from your creative gift.

• Automate, automate, automate. That can mean hire an assistant, but it doesn’t have to. You may want to get some help in figuring out systems to make life easier so that the task handles itself.  With every new project or system that you create in your business, ask yourself, is there a way that this can happen hands free without my needing to manually do it myself. The answer is probably yes.
• Batch Time and Tasks. For a lot of owners, mundane tasks tend to be procrastinated and hang over their heads for the rest of the week. They cloud up the fun stuff and suck the joy out of  business. By scheduling them in Timed  Batches, you can thwart the devil of procrastination. Deb and I get a lot done in a week without the help of an assistant. Automated systems help that to happen, but  for the tasks that still must be done, we set aside times to focus on that, get it done as efficiently as possible, and then move on to the good stuff. Knowing that we are going to get the boring stuff out of the way first and then get to look forward to doing all of the fun parts of the job for the rest of the week, motivates us to get it done. We don’t let it hang over our heads mucking up the good stuff.

Focus on the Fun

I have teenagers.  When I suggest that a task or project needs to be done, I am often met with, “Awe, that’s no fun!”  and a considerable amount of foot dragging. They want life to be a party. They would much rather be part of the “Good Times” than the “Drudge Club”.

Do you blame them? At what point in adulthood, did we buy into the belief that,  “If it feels fun, it must not be real work”  and, “Work is SUPPOSED to be hard!”

Stop listening, and take a cue from the kids.

Find the fun in your business and focus on that, do your best to minimize, re-evaluate or eliminate the drudge.  You aren’t making money on your drudge list, your future lies in your passion list. This isn’t irresponsible, it’s good business sense!

And…I promise, you will fall in love with your business all over again.

January and all of its resolutions have gone whisking by in a flurry of snow storms and bad weather. Well meaning plans and dreams have been tucked back into the someday jar and the lid screwed on tight.

It’s February. We’ve passed that chilling reminder of Groundhog’s Day with its frightening message.

Keep doing what you’ve always done, and you will get exactly what you have always gotten.”

And the more subtle question it asks:

If it isn’t what you want, then what are you doing what you are doing for?”

January first brings motivation, or disillusionment for those who have let themselves down too many times in the past to believe in their own rhetoric anymore.

By February many of the people who made resolutions have forgotten what they were in the first place.

Are you one of them?

I don’t make resolutions. I claimed a word of the year (I have been for several years now) and the word that made the final cut was the word BE.

In the front of my journal for this year it says:

BE- In all its glory, BE.

BE-Love, BE- Creative, BE-Joy, BE-Abundance, BE-One, BE-Open, BE-Healthy, BE-Active, BE-Generous, BE- Serenity, BE- Productive.

My to-do lists have gone by the wayside. That BE-list is the list I wake up to and look at every day.

It reminds me of who I want to BE.

From there, I decide, “What do I need to do today to BE who I want to be?”

All of my plans and action steps are built from there.

Except when they aren’t.

It turns out that BE-ing is  harder than DO-ing. It requires a dedication to focus and being awake to my every moment that is challenging and I have to admit somewhat slippery.

And BE-ing the Human BE-ing that I am, sometimes I fall out of Being, and fall into just “Doing the next thing.”

When that happens my momentum of BE comes to a crashing halt. I forget my purpose, my reason for what I was doing it all for in the first place and then the day turns into a chore again, another tick-tock on the clock while I push through to get everything done.

“HEY! Where did my BEing go?” I have found myself asking that woman in the mirror on several occasions so far this year, when I have caught myself standing in front of the fridge munching away, or reaching the end of the day and wondering what I got done, or rushing to get things done in a very non-mindful way, focused on the urgent and forgetting what is important to me.

So I’ve had to change it up. I brought back the checklist, but a new and improved version of it. Instead of chores on it, there are states of being and the activities I need to do to continue to BE that person.

Do I want to BE healthy? Then there are action steps on there that involve eating a lot of green food, drinking water and doing my daily yoga ad meditation.

Do I want to BE creative? Then there are action steps that involve daily painting, exploring, reading, writing and taking space in my day for asking the WHY questions that spark my imagination.

Do I want to BE love? Then there are action steps on my list that answer the question what does Love need to do today?

The point of creating tangible action steps for the day is that they are measurable, have a built in completion, give me a sense of progress and are a concrete way of staying awake and focused on how I purposefully want to live.

When I feel myself beginning to drift, wander, being reactive instead of being proactive, I can pick up my BE-ing list and get instantly back on track.

Sounds simple enough?

Well, there’s a catch.  (There is always a catch isn’t there?)

In order to really put this mindful living in practice over and over again throughout the day, I have to be in a constant state of re-commitment.

I have to be in a state of self-love and core strength that keeps me from being blown over the first time someone says…”Can you just…” Which is always the precursor for, “Can you just drop everything that is important to you right now and come and do this thing for me?”

I have to be in a state of self-love that reminds me that I am worthy of living a life of BE-ing, not jumping and doing.

I have to be in a state of Self-love that puts the BE list before the DO list. Because that DO list is a siren song always beckoning, always pulling me away from the truly important.

I have to stand my ground.

And so do you.

It’s so easy to say, “Just this once, and then I’ll get right back to BE-ing.”

The problem with that is it is a lie that is created to tear your self love down. Because just this once is the first step to letting go and saying, “What difference does it really make after all, I can’t really do that thing I said was the most important way I want to live. It’s only a dream. It’s not real life.

Here is the Big Truth that keeps trying to hide.

Your real life is the series of tiny choices you are making every minute that you are either BE-ing a wide awake person, or wandering lost as a SLEEP-walking one.

Your Real Life is being created minute by minute and you have countless options every day in exactly how you want that life to BE.

You have to love yourself enough to stand up for what you want to BE first though.

Take a Stand. Decide who you want to BE…and then don’t let life whisk by while you are waiting for it to come.

BE it.

The problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred. ~George Bernard Shaw

Have you ever had a conversation with a person, walked away, said “Well, that went well,” only to discover that the other person had a very different interpretation of the discussion?

And then, the inevitable realization sinks in.

It becomes painfully obvious that the two of you were on totally different wavelengths. 

Have you ever thought about that common phrase? We use it often in our culture. “They were on different wavelengths. They just didn’t work out.”

What is a wave length anyhow? Well, one definition of a wave of any kind, is that it is energy moving through a medium or space. If you think about a wave in water, it is the force of  energy moving the water that is what we see as a wave. The length of those waves, are the measurement— in the most simplistic definition— between the peaks from one repeating pattern to the next. So put it together, you have  a measurable pattern of energy moving through a substance.

A Wavelength.

We humans are forces of nature too. Substances made of energy and cells and water, formed from complicated patterns in a miracle so complex that I stand in awe of it.

I am no scientist. I offer no proof, but it is easy for my imaginative brain to put together the concept that we are walking, talking wavelengths of our own energetic force field, wittingly and unwittingly transmitting and communicating to those other walking wavelengths every moment of the day.

I am not the only believer. There are many coaches, body workers, inspirational speakers and mentors that speak about the energy fields working through and around us.

So what does that have to do with communication?

Everything.

I am sure you have heard, and possibly even said the words, “It’s not what they said…but how they said it.”

Then there is the other saying, “What you think you said, isn’t what I heard.”

Then, toss in one more, “Her mouth told me one thing, but her body was shouting something completely different. I don’t believe her.”

What all of these have in common is that the energy radiating from the physical wavelength was speaking up louder than the words being spoken.

The person listening was listening to the energy and wavelength and not the spoken words.

Sometimes, your mouth and your energy are in alignment. All is well. You feel put together, authentic and ready to take on the world.

You begin a conversation with someone and you hit the wall. Words are dropping to the ground like dead flies. It is obvious there is no connection.

What happened?

Stop and see if you can tune in to their energy instead of their words. Are they really upbeat? Or is it more forced than you first noticed. . Perhaps slowing down and offering a little more reassurance would be key. Is there something else radiating behind that agreeable friendly tone that would explain the non-committal lack of interest? Maybe there is anger, maybe there is a wall of fear blocking their ability to comprehend. Tune in, see if you can feel that wall, those bricks that have built up from lack of trust and bad past experiences. A few key questions about what their main concerns might be could break down that block.

What Happens When the Conversation is Virtual?

There is no doubt that energy is much harder to read when distance becomes involved. This is what makes on-line, on-phone and written communication so much more complex than communication in person.

That complicates virtual companies and their client relationships, not to mention social media conversations.

There will undoubtedly from time to time be misunderstandings that take place because the physical proximity of energy is a natural way that we communicate- whether we are aware of it or not. When we lose that close up-wavelength connection, we lose an instinctive communication tool.

It takes extra focus, extra energy, and extra listening and care to make sure your communication is connecting.

I should know.  Deb  and I work together online together every day. In fact— for the first six months of being together, we had never met each other in person. I had no idea what she looked like— except that she was tall. We wrote an entire novel together, before we ever laid eyes on each other. Even now, the majority of the work we do, is communicated through a trail of IM conversation.

How do we pull it off?

We follow some very specific rules.

Virtual Communication Skills

• Don’t take things personally.
• When in doubt-ask. Then ask some more.
• Be honest.
• Respect boundaries.
• Avoid knee-jerk reactions, think it through.
• Don’t make assumptions, clarify, clarify, clarify.
• Be reliable.
• Keep the big goal in mind, don’t get hung up in the muck of minutia.
• Find a common ground of respect and agreement to start the conversation.

The truth is, our rules for  successful on-line communication are good rules for any partnership. They are critical for one that has limited communication options. And as time has gone by, we have gotten pretty good at reading each other’s energy and wavelengths over an IM chain of conversation too. Even from two different sides of the country.

Save

My first entrepreneurial partnership taught me critical lessons about business.

My business partner, Randy, was a charismatic, fearless, energetic young man, with giant ideas and the drive to achieve them.  His art of persuasion and sales techniques were perfected at an early age and as he discussed his business proposition with me, I recall being completely taken in by his mesmerizing descriptions of how wonderful this would all turn out if we put our resources and energies together.

I was all in, no questions asked.

The business plan?

Dig a hole to China, climb down the hole, get all their gold and silver, bring it back up the hole and sell it to make kamillions.

We were six years old.

An onlooker might have thought we had pooled our pennies together and hired a motivational business coach to assure our success. After all, we were doing everything right.

We had a business plan.  We had commitment. We had the proper tools. We had a clear intention. We TOOK ACTION!

We dug that hole in the hot summer sun for several  hours with my aunt’s best spoons, refusing to be deterred, even when those spoons bent from the force of rocks and debris in the hole. We had a timeline for success. Okay, perhaps an unrealistic one, as we expected to get to China in that very afternoon, but isn’t that also common of entrepreneurs, expecting success to happen instantly? As far as I can tell, at six, we still weren’t that far off the mark of the average entrepreneur. So far, so good.

We had all of the proper mindsets as well. We were not afraid of failure. In fact, FAILURE WAS NOT AN OPTION. We never considered it. Our positive-thinking, created-for-miracle minds had no concept of what failure was. It would be many years before that adult concept took root in our creative minds.

We had passion. We had persistence. We had vision, clarity and a goal. We were motivated! We were primed for success!

And yet, as you can safely guess, we never made it to China with our bent spoons and best intentions.

What could have possibly gone wrong when we followed every single step that all of the coaches tell us to do?

Ah…but we did miss one. The same one that so many entrepreneurs miss, over and over and over again, in their excitement and burst of enthusiasm when a new Creative Idea floods into their brain like a crazy-making drug.

They forget to do their research. They forget to gather the correct information.

No matter how inspired, motivated, well- intentioned or purposeful we were with that business, we were doomed to fail because of the simple truth that there was no path to China under my Aunt Margie’s garden. 

Period. Nothing,  no creative energy, magic mojo, spiritual secret, prayer or rain dance, two thousand dollar seminar or better coach was going to magically help us dig a hole to China.

And it won’t help you build your business either if you built your business idea on a faulty foundation to begin with.

Do your research.

• Do the clients that you have identified as your ideal clients even want what you are selling?  Do you know what price the market will bear for that range of services, and have you identified the value you are giving, and if it is a value to them?
• Is your path in line with your destination? As you can see, ours clearly wasn’t. We could have dug for the rest of our lives, and we were not going to hit our destination.  Does your business suffer from the same problem? It’s one thing to have a step-by-step plan. It’s another thing altogether to have done the research to check if it will get you where you plan to go.
• Is the market over saturated with this idea already? Are you really just now writing a book on Fifty Shades of How to…  If so, stop. Please stop. For the love of God come up with something new.
• Have you asked your existing clients what they want? One of the best tools you already have is the feedback from your existing clients.  If you are listening carefully, they will tell you what they need. Their new problems and challenges are where your new solutions and  programs are. Your job is to be in the business of solving their challenges. Listen, be there for them, and make the connections when your company can be the one to offer a solution.

The Balance between Research and Creativity

As a rule, creative entrepreneurs are not fond of taking the time to research and dig for facts. That doesn’t feel creative, fun, spiritual, or feed our souls.  However, if we ever want to feed our bank accounts or have food with our meals, the second step after coming up with that brilliant idea is to stop, drop and do your research, before you go flying off to tell everyone about your exciting new adventure. Only after you have built your idea and business plan on a foundation of solid research and understanding of truthful information, can you implement all of those other critically important tools.  Then—and only then, can you motivate and set your intentions toward success all the way to the bank.

******

Have you ever been a victim of “Digging a Hole to China” business mentality? Share your AHA’s in the comments below. We want to hear from you! You never know when your comments, questions and insights will be just the thing to help someone else along the way! Dare to care and share!

I decided to have an affair.

After all, a married woman with four kids, two grandkids, three dogs shedding enough dog hair on a daily basis to form a new puppy… I figured I was way over due for someone to love me exactly the way I needed to be loved. Cherished, doted on, accepted unconditionally, pampered, listened to when I whined, perhaps with a loving hug or a “There, there, darling, it’s okay, you are beautiful and awesome and wonderful just the way you are…”

No solutions, no fixing. Just unconditional comforting, sweet love.

There was only one problem. Being the monogamous, faithful wife that I am, a scandalous affair was likely to cause problems, so I could find only one solution.

I had to have an affair with myself.

After all, who better to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and tell me how wonderful I am? Who would know better than me what I needed way down deep in the shadowy recesses of my hidden heart?

So I went on an inner journey. A date with myself to discover what I wanted, what I needed and how to treat myself to some delicious pampering.

This was the moment when I discovered something dreadful. Something so frightening,  it shook me to my core and rattled my bones. 

When I peered down deep into my soul and into the dark shadows of my heart looking for what I needed, all I found were cobwebs.

And dust. Some dog hair.  A few worn out Martha Stewart magazines where I had circled some favorite furniture with a red-penned note that said, “This is ME! This is REALLY ME!” Except the date on the magazine was over a decade old and whoever that version of me was back then, she had lousy taste in furniture.

I sat on a stump, perplexed. I had taken myself out for a lovely affair, opened the doorway wide and asked, “What do you want, my darling, the world is yours, let me love you, pamper you, lavish you with the desires of your heart…” And the only response my tattered and worn out spirit could summon up was…

“Great, how about a nap? And could you shut up with all that romance language? Some peace and quiet would be awesome, thankyouverymuch.”

Myself was tired. She didn’t want pampering, she wanted sleep. She didn’t want to go on an Artist’s date with me, she wanted silence. She didn’t want to be lavished with silk and the finest cottons, candles and jewels, she wanted her ratty pajamas, the lights turned out and for everyone to leave her alone.

I was appalled at Myself. And I told her so. “How ungrateful can you be?” I said to her. “Here I am trying to do something nice for you and all you want to do is push me away. You won’t even talk to me, won’t even give me the time of day!”

“What do you expect?” she snarled back, “You’ve been ignoring me for ages, decades really, and now all of the sudden when you feel like dressing up and going out on a date, having an affair, you expect me to just jump up and be excited? What do you think I am? Some kind of performing puppet? You can’t just pull my strings and expect me to love you back! Not after being ignored forever!!”

Ouch. Her words hurt. She treated me like I was a stranger. Like I had no right barging in and wanting my mind, spirit and body back after ignoring it forever. But hey, it’s mine, right? Shouldn’t I be able to just take it back down off the shelf, dress it up and take it out if I want to?

Shouldn’t I?

Apparently not. She marched off. Turned her back on me. Told me she had a headache and slammed the door.

And I was alone. With no clue how to love Myself, communicate with Myself, listen to Myself, care for Myself or even BE with Myself.

It was scary. I felt hollow. Empty. I had never realized how truly alone I was without her to talk to. I had taken her for granted. Figured she would always be there. I thought she was the one person who would stick up for me, through thick or thin.

But as I sat there, I realized how wrong I had been. I hadn’t been there for HER. I was a lousy friend. A lousy lover. I never stuck up for her. I stabbed her in the back all the time. Put everyone’s needs ahead of hers. Ignored her when she asked for anything. Told her I was too busy, I’d get to her later, she’d get her turn, she could make due with what she had. I stopped listening. I didn’t even know what she liked, what she thought was important, what her deepest needs were, or her secret dreams. What her purpose was, what made her happy.

I went and made a cup of tea. I brought it to the door, gave a gentle knock. I didn’t demand, didn’t beg, did try to make her feel guilty.

I apologized. And I offered to listen if she wanted to talk.

I pulled up a chair.

And I waited for her to get some rest. And then, once the tiredness had been appeased, I began to listen.

“The most important distinction anyone can ever make in their life is between who they are as an individual and their connection with others.” Anne Linden

One of the hardest struggles a business owner has to come terms with is the issue of boundaries. When to step out, when to protect our privacy, when to give, when to hold back.  Especially for new business owners, selling a service or product that will depend on the referrals of satisfied clients, the urge to please at all costs can be overwhelming.

It’s easy to promise the moon, and at any hour of the day as well, and give off the impression that we are open for business, 24-7 , just waiting for a chance to respond.

In the beginning, that might not seem so bad. After all, you are excited about having a client—any client—so you shower them with attention and love, right? What could be wrong with treating clients like the miracle that they are?

Only one thing.

We Teach People How to Treat Us. 

And if we teach them that it is perfectly acceptable to call, email and show up at any hour of the day expecting instant pudding service, than we are setting ourselves up to be angry, worn out and resentful. And the client becomes disillusioned and  upset as well.

Your goal as a business owner is not to have one client who you fawn over and spoil to the ends of the earth. The goal is to have many, many clients who you establish  fair and high-quality services/products for, and who knows what to expect, and when, and are not disappointed when your love-fest eventually wears off.

If you have any hope of becoming highly successful, the love-fest will wear off.  It has to. Allowing clients to have one hundred percent access to your life is unsustainable. It’s the quick road to burn-out. And saying Yes, when you have very little true hope of following through is…sorry to be blunt…is lying.

There is nothing clients like less than being lied to. They would much rather have the truth, even if it isn’t what they want to hear.

WHY You have the Boundaries you do is Nobody’s Business.

Stop and think it through. How do you want to be treated? What kind of long-term sustainable boundaries do you need to establish to protect your client relationship? Create the boundaries ahead of time that are sustainable and life-affirming for both you and your clients.

Be authentic, be honest, but don’t feel the need to justify or apologize. If the truth is that every Tuesday morning you will be off at the spa getting rejuvenated for success, (Don’t you wish?) then your Tuesday hours are simply 12:00 to whatever. It isn’t anybody’s business how you are spending the time that is not dedicated to them, it’s only their business to know honestly and reliably when they can expect your time and attention for great results.

Great Boundaries are Well-communicated, Reliable Boundaries.

Spend the time thinking your ideal boundaries over very carefully. Then once implemented, stick to them!  Whatever you commit to should be that, a commitment to creating a structure for doing business that they can depend on. If your company is closed on weekends, and yet, every time a client calls you on the weekend you pick up the phone, then the one time you don’t answer, they are going to wonder where the heck you are. They won’t believe in your boundaries if you don’t. You will be setting yourself up for failure.

Great Boundaries Create Respect.

When you create reasonable, reliable boundaries, you are respecting yourself, your time, your energy and your personal free space. Space that is needed to be creative and to have the high-quality personal relationships that we all want. Your client might grumble about having to wait a few hours to reach you on Tuesday mornings, but deep inside they are likely wishing they had the gumption to create the same parameters on their own life. Nobody likes feeling out of control. The fact that you assertively and professionally will deepen their respect for you and they will see you in the light of a professional who comes from abundance, not a deep-rooted fear of lack that gives up balance for every last dollar.

Great Boundaries create Great Businesses.

Without clear-cut, well communicated, reasonable boundaries, an entrepreneur has virtually no chance of success. When you compile that with a creative entrepreneur’s very real need to spend time alone to flourish as an artist, then those boundaries become even more critical. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that well thought out boundaries are a luxury. They are not. They are a key component of successful businesses. If you haven’t taken the time to create a boundary strategy, don’t wait! Your business success is depending on it!

Are you one of the people who takes two steps back in the crowd when the hard decisions need to be made and pray to God that someone else will step forward and lead the team to victory? Or, perhaps you do step up reluctantly but are secretly waiting for that knight in shining armor to show up and take the job away so you can breathe a sigh of relief?

I have some news that may be hard for you to hear.

In order for you to successfully run your own business, create the dream life you have always wanted, or to discover the authentic person stirring deep inside of you, stepping into your leadership abilities isn’t just a good idea–it’s mandatory.

Does that thought fill you with a measure of dread and despair? Is hopelessness your first response?

It doesn’t have to be. You can become the leader you need to be in order to become successful.

Defining and polishing your leadership skills takes awareness, hard work and practice, but it is just as possible as reaching any other goal you set your mind to. The first step is to stop taking for granted that some people have “IT” and you don’t and never will. Breaking through that illusion and opening your eyes to the possibility of developing new leadership skills is a huge first step. Being open to change is already change in itself.

Next–let’s get a handle on what this elusive “IT” of leadership power actually is so that you can begin working on developing some for yourself.

What Leaders Have in Common

Leaders listen first, second and last: Leaders are always listening. They are listening for trends, troubles, mysteries, inspirations, things that are said, and things that are left unsaid. Leaders listen deeply and they translate what they hear into creations, inventions, solutions, visions and victories.

Leaders ask questions until they are clear: Leaders question everything until they have sifted away the clutter to discover the necessary facts and answers to make a decision. They don’t settle for foggy information and uncertainty. They don’t worry about looking stupid for not knowing the answers. They keep asking until they do. They demand clarity.

Leaders trust their instincts: Leaders have integrity and strong core values that guide them. Therefore, when that small still voice inside of them whispers, or shouts, they sit up and listen. They don’t have to wonder if it is giving good advice because it is coming from ethical, strong core values that don’t shift when the going gets rough.

Leaders take action: Leaders are decisive once they have gathered the facts. They don’t wait around taking popularity polls or waiting to see which way the wind is going to blow. They take clear action based on vision, integrity, and what is right for the good of the cause and they rarely look back. They are forward-focused.

Leaders make commitments: Leaders can be trusted to keep their word and be dependable to do what they agreed to do and come through. Their word is their bond and their promise is as good as a contract.

Leaders build strong relationships: Leaders understand that to lead, you not only need those that follow, but those that walk along beside you. A true leader empowers other people to reach their own levels of greatness and cheers them on proudly.

Leaders dare to fail: Leaders put aside their egos and fearlessly face failure time and time again in order to learn, grow and accept new challenges. Leaders know that to stay in their comfort zones and play it safe is the sure fire way to lose. To win, one must be willing to take risks and learn.

What Do You Have in Common With These Leaders?

Nobody embodies all of these qualities all the time, every single day. Some days, hanging on to even one or two may seem like a struggle. Yet, every single one of them on the list are habits, not character traits. And habits can be made, broken or changed and improved upon. So that means the good news is that as you were reading down that list, if you felt like you couldn’t put a check mark against each and every one of them for each and every day…cheer up. Every single one of these habits can be improved with focus and attention.

Begin at the Beginning.

Remember our rules of change that we have discussed before.

1. Teeny Tiny Steps. Pick only one at a time to focus on. Spend thirty days really paying attention to it. Journal it. Read articles about it, make yourself reminder notes. Keep it at the forefront of your mind for the entire month until it becomes a part of your habits.
2. Practice Grace. When you mess up, be kind to yourself and begin again. You get a do over. Leaders also don’t shame people or beat each other up. Themselves included.
3. Celebrate your victories. Be proud of your newfound skill. Especially these skills. They are SO important. These are the skills that will change your life forever.

Back in the olden days, when I was a manager training hairdressers, we used to have a saying, “Do you want to do a Kmart haircut, or a Neiman Marcus haircut?

What we meant by that was, do you want to give cheap haircuts, or do you want to learn how to do upscale, expensive haircuts?

You would think that everyone in training would automatically say they wanted to learn to be upscale, but that wasn’t the case.

Some felt bad that people wouldn’t be able to afford their haircuts. So they wanted to be a cheap hairdresser.

What they learned quickly was that meant they were going to be on their feet, 12 hours a day working for people that came in off the street, had zero loyalty, brought in a coupon, hardly ever tipped, weren’t grateful, and didn’t value the haircut, or their time, or even remembered their name. The next time they needed a haircut, they went to the next cheapest person.

On the other side of the fence, they learned that if they took the time to honor their skills, think of themselves as an artist, take MORE time to do the work, do LESS clients in a day, worked LESS hours and charged more for the value they gave, then…. people valued them, honored them, remembered them, became very loyal, booked a month in advance, wouldn’t even think of going to someone else, invited them to their kids weddings and in general loved them to pieces. No coupons, no sales, no hunting up people off the streets because clients told their friends and they were booked up forever.

This isn’t a post about being a hairdresser. This is the nature of ALL creative business. This is a reminder that you create your sales value. You teach people how to treat you by how you believe you are worth being treated. You teach people how much to pay for your services by how much you are willing to invest in your education, your doing the work, your practice, your devotion, and your self-love, care and self-value. If you believe you are worth it, you will take the time to devote yourself to your art, your business and sharpen your skills. You will take pride in your work, your clients and expect the best of yourself…and of them.

Do you believe you are worth it?

If you don’t, they won’t.

If you do, they will.

It really is that simple.

As a small child, whenever I would get discouraged, I would plop myself down on the floor like a ragdoll and let out a hopeless wail. “I Can’t…..” was my pitiful cry. “I don’t know how, it’s too hard, I’m too tired.”

My mother would turn on a dime, narrow her dark Italian eyes, laser beam them into me and say in a voice as commanding as any Military General, “You CAN and you WILL. HOW does not matter. Now GET UP!”

I got up. Saying No to my mom wasn’t an option.

Quitting has never been an option in our family of scrappy little fighters. It wasn’t allowed. We were taught from the best. My Mother, who raised three of us on her own, learned to take the surprises and situations that came along and wrestled them into the life that she wanted for us. She expected to rise to challenges and goals and she expected no less from us. There were no acceptable excuses. She had an answer for every complaint we could muster up.

We were tired? Everyone gets tired. So what, learn to rest, balance and push through. Being scared didn’t cut it either. Only fools are stupid enough to not be scared. Not having all the answers wasn’t a good enough reason not to start. Only the truly stupid think they are wise, the wise know there is always more yet to learn. In my mother’s world, if you wanted something you had to go for it. If it was right for you and the people you love, then there is no excuse for not doing it.

You CAN and you WILL. And she did. She still does.

It took a long time to learn the third part of my mother’s power. It was a mysterious strength that gave her that indomitable spirit. It kept her strong and unflinching when she left her secure factory job as a single mom with no insurance and took her measly $3000 and risked every dime she had to start her own business. She could have FAILED. We could have lost everything.

But she had one thing in her back pocket that was so powerful that it propelled her forward and would not let her down. She had something that most people didn’t have.

I didn’t understand what that something was at such an early age. She was just my Mom. Maybe I thought that all moms were fierce warriors who went out each day to take on the world.

Later in life, I went into sales. Sales are HARD. Being rejected is hard. Initiating contacts, talking to strangers, making cold calls, learning contract negotiations, managing files, hand holding nervous and temperamental clients is all hard and very stressful. After awhile, I took my sales experience and went into Real Estate. The overwhelming majority of Real Estate agents quit within 3-6 months of getting their license. They say anyone can become a Realtor. It takes a good one to stay one. I decided to stack my odds. I hired the industry’s best Real Estate coach in the business to coach me and teach me the tools I needed to succeed. All that I learned in the six years of being one of the top agents in our company is more than a blog could hold. But one of the major things that I paid good money to learn had been right there at home all my life.

CAN & WILL.

One of my coaches, Beverly Buffini, grew up to be an All-American volleyball player at the University of Tennessee where she was inducted into the Tennessee Hall of Fame in the first class of women ever to achieve that honor. She went on to become a member of the US National Volleyball Team that participated in the 1988 Olympics in Seoul, Korea. She went on to use her skills of discipline, determination, and focus to juggle raising six kids, write books, coach with her husband Brian, and tour as a motivational speaker. I was inspired to hear her speak about Can, Will and Believe.

CAN: to be able mentally or spiritually. She attributes the childhood story The Little Engine That Could with the basis for CAN. Perhaps not too coincidently, that story was one that my mom read to us almost every night. The basis of pushing away negative fears and focusing on the positive is the foundation for any dream to come true.

WILL: is the reinforcement of purpose, drive and discipline necessary to spring CAN into life. WILL is the Action word that makes it happen. Webster’s defines WILL as “a conscious choice and a strong, fixed purpose.” Will is the force and power that propels the can into being.

BELIEVE: to take as true or real, to have confidence in something or someone; to have faith, especially religious faith (Webster). For some of us, myself included, faith of a higher power, a sense of being assisted or directed by a force greater than the sum of your own parts for a purpose greater than your own needs. It is a sense and belief that the outcome has already been achieved and failure is not an option because good will prevail.

I Can, I Will, I Believe

They say you can’t be a prophet in your own backyard. I had to go far away and pay good money to hear what Mom had been saying all along. I had to hear it from a coach to understand that the secret ingredient that made my mother stand so hard and fast is her faith. Belief in a higher power (God), belief that she is doing what is right for her family, belief that if you believe in it, work hard for it, visualize it then you CAN make it happen.

By the way, that’s a far cry from stick it on a poster board, stare at it every day and sit back and wait for it to arrive. That would never be my mother’s style. While those who wait are busy waiting, my mother and her clan are busy doing the WILL (ACTION) part and BELIEVING that with those two together…..why yes…yes you CAN.